December 10th, 2009 6:56 pm OKay so [ ] noaprtegrl I just looked up Joel Peter Witkin's photography and I don't feel so bad anymore. It was like as soon as I laid my eyes on his demented, deformed beautiful art, everything was right with my life. Joel Peter Witkin, I need your advice. balance?

December 10th, 2009 6:52 pm fuck proof reading I dont care! [ ] noaprtegrl What a frustrating day, week, month, semester. Does the bullshit ever end? Even with the closing of school I'll still find myself depressed and lethargic. My will for creating art was smashed in the face today. I'm tired of being shafted when it comes to my artistic ability. I don't understand how I can have fallen so far from grace in the art world. Especially when the art world that I'm in is just not as competative as the last one. I'm feeling unsatisified. Hulled up with all these thoughts, desires and questions clogging the system of my brain. Do I shut myself up, keep myself locked in tight and agressive like I always do? Do I let some of that unrelenting rage out and if I do let it out, in what form? Obvisouly my artistic outlet isn't doing shit. My writing has become more and more sloppy since the 3rd grade, my mental retardation is practically a sentence structure away. I'm not sure what to do. Be unsatisifed, or be unsatisified? I guess its a lose lose or a win win if you think about my self depreciation in the long run. If I grind myself down hard enough I'm sure to feel like shit. I'm my own worst critic, I say things to myself in my head that no human would ever say aloud, the screaming is constant, I think I'm mostly frustrated because I used to be able to block it out. I hear myself speak, I'm concious of how many I's I put into every statement. I don't know what people want from me, so I prefer to listen, I'm not good on keeping in contact I'll give you all that much, and I know why, it's because I'm too self absorbed. But when I put myself out to others I feel like I'm met with fear, catching other people off guard. If I were my own psychologist I would tell myself to stop projecting my emotions onto other people, I constantly think about what they must be thinking about. What are they thinking, what are they doing, how do they view me? Should I rethink my actions? What's my fucking problem? I need to relax, but I don't want to fucking relax, I want to problem solve, I don't want to distract myself from the situation anymore. I want to make things right, within me, within my life. I don't understand what walls I've built up around myself that I keep locked up so tight. Let me out let me out Im saying now, and the truth is evident to myself, I keep the ones that I love out. I approach strangers as non-threats, I'll tell a stranger anything if I have the assurance that we'll never speak again. What do you want to know? Let me tell you my life? Set aside sometime though, cause I can talk for miles. I want to talk I want to release I want to create But I still don't believe in inner peace. As a child I was a product of projection. My father, at one point in his life was a projectionist, I'm a student film maker, I like to create art. I like to show the world how I see the world and distort other peoples focus. Often times, I feel as if I'm the wall and life a projection. Live on me, but not in me. I don't know if this is how I want it to be. Im frustrated, I'm angry, I'm lonely and I'm sad. I can't help it and I feel like I'm going mad. The theme to this semester has been: I'm loosing my mind and it's not such a big problem. Except for when I'm about to write my will. balance?

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